1) to continue growing in my faith
2) to be encouraged in one of the hardest times of my life
At sign-up, I had the opportunity to mark areas that I was interested in, was familiar with, or wanted more info on. Since I had a long love-hate relationship with infertility, it was one of the first things I marked. I'd been through enough, I felt like I was an expert... and everything was so fresh. I was kinda hoping someone in the community would reach out to me and encourage me. That didn't really happen and I'm okay with that, because I think I was blessed by something so much better. God's plan was so much deeper than what I had hoped to gain from the online community.
After I signed up, I basically forgot about it... I stayed in touch a few weeks at first, but then got busy with life and it just slipped from my mind. A few months ago now, in April, I received an email from a sweet sister in Christ who was where I had been and was seeking encouragement and some Biblical counsel. Her question and my response is below.
Question: My husband and I have been together 8 years, married for 3 years, and trying to conceive for 2 years. We are in the midst of fertility treatments.. I am unsure of the "right Christian" thing to do, according to these treatments. I am having a struggle of how IUI and IVF is seen in God's eyes. Are these procedures Godly and whole? My husband and I badly want a baby..but I don't know about pursuing these procedures as I try to live my life like Christ...
My Response: Oh Sweet Sister! You are brave and strong for reaching out about a struggle that is painfully personal and that can be sometimes controversial in many Christian circles. I too, have struggled through fertility treatments (I have PCOS & Endometriosis!). My husband and I have been married for 9 years, and spent the first 6 ½ years of our marriage trying to conceive. The heartache of going month after month with no pregnancy was sometimes unbearable. As much as I believed God was in charge, knew my pain and my heart’s desire, and was only up to something good in our lives, I still struggled with seeing the good in it all. I still struggled with getting out of bed on some days… like Mother’s Day and dates that reminded me of the babies we had lost and friends baby showers (I still do… even 3 years later). After 6 ½ long, physically and emotionally exhausting years, we discontinued treatments. We did not get what we had hoped and prayed for. Instead of a living breathing little bundle of joy, we came away with 9 angel babies. While some may not bounce back from something so tragic, we are alive and thriving and praising Jesus just the same. He is good. All the time. He knows what’s best for His children. We trust that this IS what’s best for us even when we don’t really understand it. I LOVE that I got to go thru something like that, see God’s hand through the whole process, and rest in His loving arms at the end. Peace… just peace, that passes all understanding fills us now. Even though… we didn’t get the child we hoped, prayed, begged for. Maybe it’s strange to share all of that with you… but I remember when I was in the midst of all of it, all people wanted to share with me was all the procedures/treatments/etc that resulted in their precious wee one… and all I could think was “But that might not be my story!”. I hope and pray that it IS your story, but also hope and pray that if it IS NOT what God has planned for you, that you will still be able to Praise Him in the Storm! He is still good, He is still God, He is still perfectly faithful and trustworthy! And can I just say, I would much rather serve a God who I don’t always understand but that I can trust to always follow through with His love…If my finite human mind could understand Him, He wouldn’t be all that big of a God!
A couple of things I will say about treatments that seems to maybe make them controversial and that we prayed and made decisions about before we started…
1. An egg is NOT a baby/a life. A sperm is NOT a baby/a life… potential for a baby, yes… pieces of a life, yes… but on their own they do not make life.
2. When the egg & sperm come together and there is fertilization/conception, it IS a baby/a life and we wanted to protect that life that God created at any cost.
So what does that mean? For us, it meant that IUI was ok for us. We believe wholeheartedly God holds the whole world and all the day to day things that happen, every little thing, in His hands. To us, that meant, that He also gave people the minds, knowledge, smarts, to develop tests & procedures to help infertile couples. HE did that. Because of that we felt comfortable knowing that in the end HE was still the one creating or not creating a life through the procedure. On top of that, there was no life being taken… possibly eggs that didn’t mature or sperm that didn’t make it where it was intended to be, but no Life was lost.
When two attempts at IUI had failed, we were told that IVF was really our only chance to conceive (outside of a miracle, which we believe is totally possible at any time… If God can simply speak the world into existence with one word, certainly He has this under control!). We moved forward with IVF…. A decision we made from the beginning of IVF was that whatever # of embryos/babies were created out of the fertilization process, we would see them through. We would either continue to do treatments OR if we felt God calling us to it, we would donate our little embryo/babies to other couples in need… BUT we made it very clear to our doctors and team of specialist that we under no circumstances wanted our embryos destroyed. To us… that was where the “right thing to do” came into play. Whatever # of embryo babies God created and continued to grow, would not take a minute of their lives in our own hands… they were God’s from the beginning and God’s in the end. God blessed us with 9 embryos. One started to grow and did not survive overnight. Our first little angel baby! The others continued to live and grow and were transferred to my uterus over the course of the next 16 months & 4 IVF treatments. In the end, we lost them all… they were perfect little pieces of my husband and I… who’s pictures we still carry… that for whatever reason (there was no medical reason they shouldn’t have survived) God chose to call to Him. We only ever held them in our hearts, never in our arms. BUT for the short time they were here on this earth, their lives mattered to us and they drew us closer to our Savior than I think any other thing could. We are so so grateful for the experience, despite the pain of it…. For what He called us to and what He carried us through.
I wish there was a verse or Scripture or story in the Bible that I could point you to, to set your mind at ease about the treatments that are available today for couples that are trying to conceive. I don’t have any. What God has laid on my heart to share with you is simply Truth… that’s how Jesus lived… speaking Truth every day to every one… not only did He speak it, HE WAS TRUTH! So, the truth is… I’m not sure there is any Biblical basis for or against IUI or IVF. The biggest truth I can share with you also, is that treatments that are Right & Godly for some people, may very well NOT be for others. I believe that it is something that is between you, your husband, and God. No other person, having been in the same place or not, has ANY place to tell you what you should or should not do as a Christian. That’s the beauty of a relationship with Jesus. It’s WITH Jesus… no one else… and it’s personal, everyone’s relationship is different.
I’ve been reading a book called “The Jesus-Centered Life” by Rick Warren. One of the chapters is called “Rejecting the Culture of Should”. Basically the idea that even in Bible times the Pharisees were into “shoulding” people. You should do this. You should not do that. The bottom line is… If you aren’t at peace for any reason about the treatments, and you’ve prayed and sought His will wholeheartedly, then that would give me pause. I would want to step back and take time to process through it. I know that if you are seeking to live like Christ, He will fill your heart with peace… whether you decide to move forward with the treatments or not. And in that peace is the knowledge that He has you right where He wants you… treatments or not.
I know this was a long answer to a pretty short question…. Thanks for listening! Feel free to shoot me anymore questions! I’d love to stay in touch with you.
Can I pray with you before you go?
Father God, You are the creator of life, the sustainer of life, our ever present help. I pray that you would be with my sister who is walking through this hard time. Lord, carry her when she doesn’t know how to put one foot in front of the other. Give her husband wisdom to lead her and love her only like you. Let them hear from you clearly on what their next step is. Give them peace in whatever it is you call them to. Lord, you like giving good gifts to your children, so I pray that you would give a good gift, a precious miracle to them. Draw them closer to you as they wait. In Jesus most precious name, Amen!
Much Love, Sweet Friend!
And just today I received this response from my sweet sister in Christ!
Lisa, Thank you so much for your heartfelt response! It really helped me as we were going through the infertility process, and brought tears to my eyes reading through this again. You have amazing strength that is not seen in many. Your love for Jesus is an inspiration!
Just to give you an update, we had to do 2 cycles with fertility medication, and we were able to get pregnant on our own! Such a long 2 year span of trying, for something so simple that seemed to help. I am still unsure of my stance on IUI and IVF, but it gave me comfort reading your response. We are currently 22 weeks pregnant, and we are waiting until birth to find out the gender 😊
Again, thank you for opening up and sharing your story with me! Your words were very encouraging and gave me hope, no matter the outcome.
Much love,
Amanda
I feel so blessed by this sweet soon-to-be mama. God has used her in my life to give purpose to the pain of empty arms. He is SO GOOD. He turned my Ashes of infertility into simple Beauty. The beauty of being used by HIM for HIS PURPOSE in someone else's pain. The beauty of encouraging women in places that I've been. The beauty of pointing others to Jesus even through something so difficult. I LOVE that His plan all along was to create beauty from the ashes and joy from the pain. He's a Good Good Father!
